If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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