We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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