look no pants
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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