The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
