seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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