history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
