He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
