I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
the raccoons are back...
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