I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
