I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
