I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
