I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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