My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
