I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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