I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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