yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
