Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
