let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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