Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
