it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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