I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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