Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
