They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
