I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
