I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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