Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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