There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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