I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
