Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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