I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
