Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
