I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
