lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
