i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
