A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You are a genius and a whore.
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