i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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