The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
