there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
