My underwear smells like fireworks.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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