If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
