Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
