I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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