based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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