Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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