he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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