I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
