fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
