4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
