I am puke
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
