I could have mohawked her pubes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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