hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
