Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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