He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
