All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
