i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
