You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something