i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just want nice things and good sex
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
