I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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