dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
